I wont lie. This an impasse right now. I am at a bad place. In 2021, towards the end, my company hit the rocks. It took us five weeks of hard work to survive that crisis. It wasn’t easy. It lasted into the new year but we have recovered.
I had purpose then.
You should see my office now. I have devices everywhere, a standup desk and more printers than a man needs. DHL package labels litter the floor with empty packets of snacks and chewies.
My backlog of work include data for over 100 shops and major chains, I have a large banked the unbanked program that I need to get over the legal hurdles, a culture program that I havent launched yet.
I have staff in Lae, Port Moresby. I even have a baby on the way.
By all outside indicators, I am doing fine.
But inside. Inside, I am not so good. I am struggling to sleep at night. Im struggling to wake up in the morning. I dont know where to start my day and I dont start at all some days.
I am an entrepreneur. I am an above average one here in this city. But today, today I can tell you I dont feel it as much any more.
In my email signature, for five years, it read ‘Hardest Working Entrepreneur in PNG’. I built what I have now with all the energy I had for four years now five. Its been a roller coaster of a journey.
Now I am an at impasse. True success lies right now, on the other side of me doing 10% more.
Doing 10% more on software, doing 10% more on new businesses, doing 10% more on regulatory work, doing 10% more on the culture project.
I have the resources, people and partnership to get to that place. But I am struggling right now.
I am having a crisis of sorts.
I dont know what I am doing any more and I dont know why. Before it was so clear.
Now, I dont know. The glass is foggy. My head hurts.
Below are some points why I think I am at this place right now:

1. I have moved from a Technical Problem Solving company to providing services. There is less technology involved here. Just services. Its not exciting and its kills the soul, though its good business.

2. Let down by people. I make a bad decisions when it comes to staff. It hurt me last year, and I still feel it hangs off me too much.

3. Getting Involved in new ventures with Friends etc: I think this has had a net negative impact on me, for reasons I wont go into.

4. Disappointment with External Partners: I work with alot of external partners. They disappoint alot. Because I report to other partners as well, I maintain a philosophy of personal responsibility for all failings.

5. But the big thing is, I dont believe I have created the company I set out to build and the products I set out to create for the markets I chose to target. And for the lifestyle I wanted.
Instead, Ive sought size over substance, quantity over quality, and I am stretched thin.
The big thing is, I have listened to so many people giving me good advise and listening to my own good advise that has led me on a path for better business, and less and less about deep deep passion and what I am passionate about, and what my company is passionate about. And this has led us off course.
This is the Existential Crisis, we will fail, not because we are a poor business, but because even though I know where we are going, but I have no passion for that direction.
I dont know WHY I am in this direction.
Its not connected to who I am. Its not connected to my deepest passion and fears. Its not energised by my abilities and the abilities of my team. Its a beautiful canoe, completely adrift.
So If Failure is Not an Option, an Existential Crisis Has to Be Solved Right Away

Change in Identity, Privately and Publically:
I have had a permanent income stream now for five years. This stability is new, despite what I say, it is a good thing. Entrepreneurship is a fancy word for what we all call our ‘projects’. I have been doing ‘projects’ for over 20 years, never really growing further the next project. What I do these days is no longer a project. Its a going concern. I want to be able to go to market before the end of the year and raise capital to keep growing the company. Now, this the challenge. To take risks as an entrepreneur without impacting the stability of the enterprise as a business owner/operator.
According to a quick google search , A businessman is someone who sets up a business with an existing idea offering products and services to the customers. An entrepreneur is a person who starts an enterprise with a new idea or concept, undertaking commercial activities.
The balance is to Automate the business decision making processes and daily functions with permanent staff.
Entrepreneur work is to not move too much capital and resources to new business ideas and concepts.
I have decided to redefine myself as a better creative business person, with routines and processes. I know I can control my creative impulse that lets me do great works.
I have to work with an employee Excellent People.

Five Hours of Focused Work Daily

Starting tonight. I am clocking five hours daily of concentrated work and effort. Its my duty to finish all the work I have outstanding, even if I don’t believe in them anymore. Completion is the goal.
Passion
I believed that the problems of a community could be solved by an entrepreneurs drive, vision and creative models. This is my true passion. I love being a creative force of change. I study entrepreneurs, follow entrepreneurs, model entrepreneurs, its all I wanted to be in my life.
Entrepreneurship is an intense passion of mine. Yet, my current life shows little clue of this.
The second passion of my life is creating products, especially technical products. I know so much about this area. I have thought myself a great deal about technology in different fields.
So I am going to connect with people who are in technology and are about technology and its impact on communities for the better. I am going to make new products for the markets I care about and connect every together. As an entrepreneur for success, and as a business person, for sustainability.
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Failure is not an Option, but ignoring and not discussing an existential crisis will lead to failure.