Thinking

I Miss You ‘Friends’ Bt Fuck this Shit

I didnt want your crowd.

I never did.

I was fine using you for my mission, my ambition. Kept my life compartmentalised. You didnt even know what I looked like.

But I was in love with someone. Someone not like me. Never was. And someone from your crowd had wooed her over. They used all the tricks. All the tricks. Maybe it wasnt tricks. Maybe they opened the door for me to see, there are not many like me. I broke my wings so we would rise together as hers grew and mine healed. I shared my plate and my salary so she would not go hungry or hurt.

But all noble acts come from selfish ideas and a certain blindness. She wasnt like me. I was wrong to expect so much. It only took three months for her loyalty to crumble.

I tried so hard. I tried to hold on. Learnt all the tricks. Tried all the ways.

Facebook was one of them. Just to keep her, I tried so hard in everyway, including facebook. I got obsessed. I got online. I want all out. Hahahaha I went all out, like a stupid.

And that’s how I knew it was all fucked up. Coz I lost it all regardless.

And I joined you all, so not to lose her. And then you all became my freinds. In a total kind of fucked up way. I grew to need your likes. To get envious over your photos. To gaze longingly at your beautiful photos. To say ‘smart’ things or just post some emotional shit when I was in deep ridiculous trance.

I went from quite guy practicing dance moves, to an online persona trying to rally the stupid, ridiculous fucking zombie crowd to ‘like’ me.

I became a fucking ‘inspiration’. I became one of the kunts I swore to never be. I never want to be anyone inspiration.

And the art of my life got rotten. And my soul got bleached blond. And my face got tired with selfies. And I died to become a zombie to be with all of you.

And you knew what I looked like. And I hid my art, coz it was part of the problem, the dedication it takes to build a company from zero nearly a million in revenue and keep all the pieces together.

When you go after ridiculously stupid and empty people, you attract even more empty shit, fkin lost everything in the fucking madness and the mess I made. I got no regrets, what is the point? hahahaha.

I kind of miss you, like a druggie would miss his circle of addiction, like an alcoholic would miss his friends at his favourite club, like a loser would miss his under average friends.

But I didnt need you. Its not just the FB Jaive but also the public, persona I became after that. A smart guy who became totally lost.

I am empty of self-worth because I invested so much in trying to hold on to what I ultimately lost.

Like an idiot trying to make an angel wings in the dust, I been holding on to the lack of self-worth, coz it feels like it was the only thing I had left that noone could take from me. I miss you Facebook freinds, coz you enable my lack of self-worth. I needed you to help me stay visible and insanely useless to the art of life.

‘The creative person should have no other biography than his works.’ – B. Traven

There is no respite from the relentless energy we call life. If we are not careful, if let our lack of will takeover, our emotions will fuel the escapes designed for us by the engineers of profit. Like lamb to slaughter, we become the end users of cocaine, and facebook, and alcohol, and hate groups with high priest and gangs with lords.

Design not an escape, but an inflatable giant jumping castle. Pour all your creative energies to blow it the fuck up.  Maybe it will fucking deflate, maybe it will die …. but imagine, when its totally blown up and all the kids start jumping around on it, and the adults as well. And what if you made it last forever. Isnt that what life is about… to ask ‘What If?’ and then get out there like the fucking madman you are, and do the mother fuckin work.

I have been quitting and coming back, and quitting and coming back. Its like I cant say goodbye to the lack of self-worth persona I become. I am addicted to being a fucking ‘Inspirational’ kunt.

I have no regrets. I made mistakes. They were totally worth it.

I dont hate anybody. I just hate the stupid, fake Facebook kunt I became. Not just at FB, but in life in general.

I was born to do some great shit.

Goodby Facebook Me, good riddance you stupid kunt.

I need my shit back.