I was wondering why I look so sad these days. So exhausted. Every photo I have seen, I can see the sadness, everyone can.
Truth is, I know why.
I am tired of holding on, or finding some excuse to hold on. It’s time to say goodbye.
My body physically reset itself, to mirror the physiological change in my head. Yes, I got sick by eating dirty food and paid a horrible price physically. But mentally and emotionally, I was already sick. Sick of who I was, a pendulum that swung between highs and lows, never staying in the calm middle, the calm that made me great.
I am sad because I know, I am saying goodbye. Its not a physical adios, its more spiritual, emotional one.
The layers of sugar, of false intimacy and false affection, of truly poor and mediocre relationships marked by short bursts of excitement and lust, and confusion and indecision are over. I am oscillating between making money and being broke, making more friends and being alone, making more love and having noone. I havent committed to ending it all, my heart wants to leave, but my head is sad. And so my body broke.
I am at the door frame, looking back and looking forward, and I am ready to pass to the other side. I am sad because I have to say goodbye. I need to be happy again, really calm, and really happy.
To my ex, to my school mates, to my family. I love you all. But this brada got to go and do his thing.
Success isn’t the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you’ll be successful. I dont love what I am doing right now, with my life. I dont love what I have been doing for the last few years. I dont love me. Deep down inside me, the real me knows I have just been wasting time to be do what I love, by chasing little signs of affections, of temporary hits.
I want to do what I love. I want to let go of everybody. Its just been too much weight and so many stupid decisions that were really just excuses.
What I love is executing a plan, being totally engaged, and making that plan work.
What I love is building a bank, and doing the impossible.
What I love is traveling with someone positive, who does the impossible for me, so I can do the impossible for them.
What I love is writing poetry and writing good songs and just being full on.
What I want is my car working, totally geeking out on good adventure and setting plans.
And what I want is a family. A Happy One.
So tonight, I am gonna be the smart kid and athlete I once was, and just be awesome and be selfish.
This is my motto. No days off. Focus and work, just on re-building my heart and my body and my mind.